SHE SAID...
As I sat there waiting, I had one of the most enlightening talks with a client.
Somehow, she got me to tell her almost everything that had been bugging me for the past few months. Of course, there are still minor details that I left out...
She said, "No wonder you looked troubled."
And she helped me overcome it with her wise words.
She said she didn't do much but I told her, and it came from the bottom of my heart, that she really didn't know how much what she said meant to me.
See, I told her, I can't really tell anyone about how I am really feeling - because I think they all have problems of their own and perhaps, they might not understand...
I can't tell my friends...
And she said, "Ya, because you don't want to sound like you are whiny..."
I can't tell my parents...
And she nods...
I can't tell my bosses...
She said, "Ya, I know exactly what you mean. I can't imagine myself telling my bosses about my problems although these are somewhat work-related...because you know they have so much on their plate and who are you really...a small fry."
She gets it and to be frank, I didn't even say much. Really...I talk a lot but usually, I can't always find the right words when it comes to feelings and emotions. Unless of course if I'm writing.
My silent moments, she filled with the right words.
And you know the connection and feeling that she really gets it makes it a lot better.
She said, "Tammy, you are going through a phase. It is normal. In life, there will be many phases. You are 25, and I felt like that when I was 25. No directions. I hop from one job to another...But you will go through many phases in life: when you have a boyfriend, when you get married, when you have children - things change, your feelings and thinking and needs change. So don't worry."
She said, "But I admire your loyalty. That's very mature of you..."
But is it fair to them, I asked...
Am I stupid I asked...
She said, "You are not stupid. I'm sure you have your reasons."
She said, "I believe that good things will happen to you because your decision was made out of pure goodness."
I can only hope because I don't even know now if my decision is a selfish one or one that I made because of pure maturity. Who am I to say that my stay is for the better? Perhaps I'm even better gone anyway. If so, why did I stay and caused a whole lot of trouble for those around me? Would a dilapidated me do any good to anyone?
She then said something that somehow changed my perception in life...
She opened up something that was stuck.
I think I have a better sense of direction.
I think I know what I need to do now - to hang on and go through this and allocate time to do the things I love. I need to be fair to myself too. Yes, I love to write, so I will stay up late for my blogs. I will find people who have the same passion and talk about stuff that means something to me. I realised that God is teaching me about BALANCE.
She did not judge me...
She was just there like a sister I never had. And I barely know her.
I thanked her for that...and her chocolates.
And if I really lose my way, I shall look at the guidelines below:
Rule #9
When I was busy beating myself up, a good journalist friend told me - why do you think that it is your fault that you have lost passion?
I still think part of it is my fault so I have no excuse. But I've learned to accept the fact that I need to take it easy and be laidback like I used to be; of course all this comes with the ability to accept all those critics that come my way. It is okay. It is very hard, very very hard, but I think that's what I need now, so that one day, I bounce up strong.
She said, "You know what you are capable of...don't let others bring you down."
(I'm not sure, but I'll take it)
p/s:
Please forgive me as I will need to live a selfish route for now as I try to grapple my way up again.
I just want to give myself the time that I deserve, so that I can find the passion again. I just need to float for a while...even if my "while" could be for some time. Sorry...and I don't mind being cut off. I need to shut down.
I said don't judge me for my actions now...
You don't know what I've been through, and maybe because I am not as good as you. I have my own pace in life. I won't break it.
Don't judge me for how I treat certain people, because you don't know how I was treated before. I've gone through this before and at this time, I am not sure if I can go through it again. I can only be that fake in life; heck, I am a person who wears emotions on my face. That is why I love straightforward people, and I have a lot of straightforward friends - because they are the ones who tell me straight in the face how shitty or good I am, although sometimes, it might not be the stuff my ears fancy. But I try to learn from them, and be diplomatic. I think that's the way to go...
And I want to be like how I used to be - I will learn to not give a damn anymore. I shall try to live fearlessly.
Love,
Tammy
If only loyalty is all that matters...
She gets it and to be frank, I didn't even say much. Really...I talk a lot but usually, I can't always find the right words when it comes to feelings and emotions. Unless of course if I'm writing.
My silent moments, she filled with the right words.
And you know the connection and feeling that she really gets it makes it a lot better.
She said, "Tammy, you are going through a phase. It is normal. In life, there will be many phases. You are 25, and I felt like that when I was 25. No directions. I hop from one job to another...But you will go through many phases in life: when you have a boyfriend, when you get married, when you have children - things change, your feelings and thinking and needs change. So don't worry."
She said, "But I admire your loyalty. That's very mature of you..."
But is it fair to them, I asked...
Am I stupid I asked...
She said, "You are not stupid. I'm sure you have your reasons."
She said, "I believe that good things will happen to you because your decision was made out of pure goodness."
I can only hope because I don't even know now if my decision is a selfish one or one that I made because of pure maturity. Who am I to say that my stay is for the better? Perhaps I'm even better gone anyway. If so, why did I stay and caused a whole lot of trouble for those around me? Would a dilapidated me do any good to anyone?
She then said something that somehow changed my perception in life...
She opened up something that was stuck.
I think I have a better sense of direction.
I think I know what I need to do now - to hang on and go through this and allocate time to do the things I love. I need to be fair to myself too. Yes, I love to write, so I will stay up late for my blogs. I will find people who have the same passion and talk about stuff that means something to me. I realised that God is teaching me about BALANCE.
She did not judge me...
She was just there like a sister I never had. And I barely know her.
I thanked her for that...and her chocolates.
And if I really lose my way, I shall look at the guidelines below:
Rule #9
When I was busy beating myself up, a good journalist friend told me - why do you think that it is your fault that you have lost passion?
I still think part of it is my fault so I have no excuse. But I've learned to accept the fact that I need to take it easy and be laidback like I used to be; of course all this comes with the ability to accept all those critics that come my way. It is okay. It is very hard, very very hard, but I think that's what I need now, so that one day, I bounce up strong.
She said, "You know what you are capable of...don't let others bring you down."
(I'm not sure, but I'll take it)
p/s:
Please forgive me as I will need to live a selfish route for now as I try to grapple my way up again.
I just want to give myself the time that I deserve, so that I can find the passion again. I just need to float for a while...even if my "while" could be for some time. Sorry...and I don't mind being cut off. I need to shut down.
I said don't judge me for my actions now...
You don't know what I've been through, and maybe because I am not as good as you. I have my own pace in life. I won't break it.
Don't judge me for how I treat certain people, because you don't know how I was treated before. I've gone through this before and at this time, I am not sure if I can go through it again. I can only be that fake in life; heck, I am a person who wears emotions on my face. That is why I love straightforward people, and I have a lot of straightforward friends - because they are the ones who tell me straight in the face how shitty or good I am, although sometimes, it might not be the stuff my ears fancy. But I try to learn from them, and be diplomatic. I think that's the way to go...
And I want to be like how I used to be - I will learn to not give a damn anymore. I shall try to live fearlessly.
Love,
Tammy
If only loyalty is all that matters...
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