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This hole I am in,
I wish I could crawl out
The world that was once bright
Has lost its light
Because now it is filled
With a whole lot of dark emotions
And wandering thoughts in motion

This hole I am in,
I dug it
Deeper and deeper
Day by day
A hole I thought would make my life whole
No longer feels like home
And now, filled with regrets
I just want a to push reset

This hole I am in,
Propelled by greed
Generated only hurt
Sometimes you feel grateful
For the sanctuary
But sometimes you realized you are just trapped
In this pitiful hole
That you once thought
Would make you whole

The little things you do to me
Are taking me over
I wanna show ya
Everything inside of me
Like a nervous heart that's crazy beating
My feet are stuck here
Against the pavement
I wanna break free
I wanna make it
Closer to your eyes
Get your attention before you pass me by

Back up, back up
Take another chance don't you
Mess up, mess up 
I don't wanna lose you
Wake up, wake up
This is ain't just a thing that you 
Give up, give up
Don't you say that I'd be better off better off 
Sitting by myself and wondering 
If I'm better off better off without you boy

And every time you notice me
By holding me closely 
And saying sweet things
I don't believe that it could be
You speaking your mind
And saying the real thing
My feet have broke free
And I am leaving
I'm not gonna stand here feeling lonely but 
I don't regret it and I don't it was just a waste of time

Don't just leave me hanging on 

Laundry, The Curve, 19 years old. It was drizzling and the dim golden lights around the stage on which Colbie Caillat sat strumming her was the perfect romantic setting. This is where this song brings me.

Almost 10 years later, this song is still one of my favourite Colbie Caillat soundtracks. The first time I heard this song, I fell in love. And now, it reminds me most of someone. Lyrically I have grown so much with it. Perhaps I relate to the second verse the most because, with him, I feel like that.

I love the little things he does but I also know that a lot of things are temporary. 2016 is the year I continue to live the moment with no expectations.

Over the weekend, I was very honoured to be a part of a wonderful matrimony between one of my close friends, Jessie and her man, Eric.

Love is a beautiful thing especially when you met the right person that you can give all your love to. I knew Jessie when I was working part time and it was clear the moment we met that we have great chemistry because we became close friends almost instantly. We both grown together since our graduation in different fields, and then pursued different careers. I don't know how but I guess, even though we were apart for quite a bit, we still remained close friends. That's what real friends are I guess - they say it doesn't matter where you are but when you see each other again, it'll be like you never parted. That is how me and Jessie are like. She was always there for me, when I am sad, and she always knew when I was upset, vice versa. That's how well she knew me. 

A few years back, she told me about the day she met Eric. I always confuse Eric with another guy who was courting her (because she is pretty, she naturally has a lot of fans), but I finally know which guy he is. He was her first love and she is lucky, he is also her last. When two people love each other, you can tell and I can tell that Jessie loves Eric a lot because she was different with him. You see a softer, even sweeter side of her when she talks about him, or when she is with him. These are signs of happiness - to have that expression when you talk about a person you are in love with. 

Two days ago, I saw my friend in her beautiful white gown and despite being tired, I know she is just happy with her hands wrapped around the arms of her groom. That moment I felt she must have felt like a princess despite all the stress she was going through that night. The song that was playing during during, "Beautiful In White" by Westlife is still stuck in my head and I think, whoever chose that, chose the perfect song to celebrate the union, because Jessie looked so beautiful in white.

Here's to a lovely couple I know and I'd like to wish them all the happiness on their magical journey together in the future.

Not sure if you noticed
But when we first met,
I got so nervous
I couldn't speak
In that very moment,
I found the one and 
My life has found its missing piece 

So as long as I live I'll love you
Will have and hold you
You look so beautiful in white
And from now until the very last breath
This day I'll cherish
You look so beautiful in white

What we have is timeless
My love is endless
And with this ring, I
Say to the world
You're my every reason
You're all that I believe in
With all my heart, I 
Mean every word

And if our daughter's what our future holds
I hope she has your eyes
Finds love like you and I did
But when she falls in love we'll let her go
I'll walk her down the aisle
She'll look so beautiful in white

I am not super romantic but no songs are too cliche for a wedding. This song I know, you really can't deny how meaningful and beautiful it is. The writer has wonderfully captured his love for the bride in a sweet melody and if you are in love with a girl, you will be able to relate to every single word. 

It reminds me of the scene in "27 Dresses" when James Marsden said, his favourite part of the wedding is when I bride walks down the aisle, he likes to see the expression of the groom. And so, I shall leave you with this beautiful song.

You got me, wide open, wide open
Now I'm yours
You found me, heartbroken, heartbroken on the floor
Became my salvation, salvation
Through the mourn
You got me, wide open, wide open
Now I'm sure

In a world like this where some backdown
I, I know we gonna make it
In a time like this where love comes round
I, I know we gonna take it
In a world like this where people fall apart
In a time like this where nothing comes from the heart
In a world like this
I've got you

And now we're free fallin', free fallin'
In your eyes
You got me still callin', still callin'
No surprise
I never knew I could love till the end of time
And now I'm free fallin', free fallin' 
By your side

I can't believe I didn't know about this song by Backstreet Boys that was released two years ago. Glad that I heard it the other day and I fell in love with it the moment I heard the lyrics. 

The idea of still being able to trust and have someone in a world who has your back where humanity is questionable is beautiful. I have great friends that I can always go back to, and it is a beautiful thing for me. Sometimes, their kindness touched me a lot. There are a few people in my life that I know will always have my back and I want them to know, that I'll always have theirs too.

To you, the one I am thinking about now. Thank you for bringing something different into my life - I different feeling, good or bad but thank you for always making me feel protected.

Some music are just sweet, like people. If music is the physical appeal and lyrics is the soul, this song is a a sweet mixture of both.

No doubt you will judge Dan + Shay as two pretty country boys, but then again, I always had a thing for them south country boys. The first time I heard this, I didn't felt that it was a country song but it figures, I love this song and it is not because it describes my summer romance.

I relate to it differently. I feel that it describes the memories we built with people who means something in our lives, and it doesn't really need to be a romantic partner. Listening to this song reminds me of all those times I had with various people, and the moments we shared together. Nothing lasts forever but in life, some things are best left untouched in our memory, so that only the beautiful remains.

There are a few people now that I am thinking a lot about recently. As I am here writing this in Cambodia, away from home, I am thinking of them and my family too. So this one is for all of them. 

19 You + Me.

It was our first week at Myrtle Beach
Where it all began
It was a hundred and two
Nothing to do
Man, it was hot
So we jumped in
We were summertime sippin' , sippin'
Sweet tea kissin' of your lips
T-shirt dripping, dripping wet
How could I forget?

Watching that blonde hair swing 
To every song I'd sang
You were California beautiful
I was playing everything but cool
I can still hear that sound
Of every wave crashing down
Like the tears we cried that day we had to leave
It was everything we wanted it to be
That summer of
19, you and me

We had our first dance in the sand
That was one hell of a souvenir
Tangled up so in love
So let's just stay right here
Til' the sun starts creepin', creepin' up
Right then I knew
What you were thinkin' thinkin' of
When I looked at you

Here's to all the beach moments we had together.
Here's to all those fun Liverpool times we spent together.
Here's to all the great simple moments we shared and the stupid bimbo things you said that make me laughed.
Here's to all those time I felt so safe and happy with you.
Here's to the moments I felt so loved by you, all of you.

It's days like these that I get inspired to write, even if it is just a word or two. Looking out at my window as I soar high above the grounds of Kuala Lumpur, Cambodia bound, and saw the most amazing view ever. 

We take a lot of things for granted in life. Today I just want to talk about clear blue skies and them fluffy clouds that ornament it. My country looking so beautiful today and I soaked in as much as I can the panoramic beauty of the airport skyline. We lost our clear blue skies here in Malaysia for what felt like long time due to the haze. We forgot what it was like to walk down the streets, breathing in fresh air that feels the lungs with a magical revitalising touch. So today, as I scrolled down Instagram and Facebook, I saw that all Malaysians rejoice as we welcomed back the clear blue skies and we can hopefully bid farewell to the nasty haze. 

Been riding one hell of an emotional roller coaster ride these past weeks. A lot of things at work and I feel once again at another crossroad of my life, a breaking point. Losing passion and motivation is my ultimate problem. But seeing the beautiful world today just makes me happy. At the end of the day, I think it really is the most simple things in life that makes one the most satisfied and happy. So maybe we live just for the little things, and that is enough. I am glad that I am born and raised in a family that has enough to make me feel blessed and not feel the need to want more. 

So I was in my third cafe, struggling to get good internet connection in Jakarta last week so that I can send out all my emails and do my work peacefully. My conclusion was that there won't be good internet inside Plaza Semanggi. To make myself feel better, I ordered a bowl of Tom Yam (which was a huge mistake by the way, because I eventually lost my voice) and decided to just chill for a bit before I make my way back to my little box, the sad hotel room.

While sipping Tom Yam soup and doing whatever I could online, this song came on the speakers in the cafe. I first heard this song when rooming with MMA fighter Ann Osman. I loved it but I forgot to ask her the title of the song, so I was so happy to hear the song again! 

Finally found it on Spotify and here it is. This beautiful Indonesian songstress is super talented and her voice melodious. Her jazzy style is very soothing and soulful - I love it. Although her original English songs have pretty superficial lyrics, her voice made the song so good. If you have time, you can check out some of her English song covers, pretty good. 

But this Indonesian song is definitely her best work yet. Tetap Di Jiwa translates directly as  "Remains in my Soul" and it is meaningful in multiple levels. I think most people who have suffered a hurtful mutual break-up can relate to it. But then again, even if you are not in a relationship, I think you can relate to the lyrics in a different way. 

The song describes how when a relationship ends, one still remains true and the person that you once loved, will still forever be in your heart. For when two people changed, their worlds become apart, but still, memories make you remember them. Perhaps that is enough, really. 

I believe in every relationship, romance or friendship, some people will remain in your memory for life because although things have changed as you grew apart, they were in your life for a reason. Sometimes, you just know you have to end the relationship, for the better of both. Nevertheless, all the good or bad times you've gone through together, you learn from the relationship you had with that person and the experience with him or her somehow contributed to shaping the person you are today. I love the interpretation of the song about relationships and I hope you find your own meaning in the lyrics.

Tak pernah terbayang 
Never had I imagine
Akan jadi seperti ini pada akhirnya
That it would end like this
Semua waktu yang pernah kita lewati bersamanya 
All those times we spent together
Telah hilang dan sirna
Are gone

Hitam putih berlalu
The memories passed 
Janji kita menunggu
We promised we wait
Tapi kita tak mampu
But we can't
Seribu satu cara kita lewati tuk dapatkan semua jawapan ini
We've tried a thousand ways to find an answer to this

Bila memang harus berpisah
When we really have to part
Aku akan tetap setia
I will still stay true
Bila memang ini ujungnya
When this is really an end
Kau kan tetap ada di dalam jiwa
You will still be in my heart / soul

Tak bisa tuk teruskan
We can't go on
Dunia kita berbeda
Our worlds are different
Bila memang ini ujungnya
When this is really an end
Kau kan tetap ada di dalam jiwa
You will still be in my heart / soul

Memang tak mudah 
It is not easy
Tapi aku tegar
But I am firm
Menjalani kosongnya hati
To go through this emptiness
Buanglah mimpi kita yang telah terjadi
Let's throw away the dreams that we've been through
Dan simpan tuk jadi histori
And keep it as a memory

Hitam putih berlalu
Janji kita menunggu
Tapi kita tak mampu
Seribu satu cara kita lewati tuk dapatkan semua jawapan ini

Bila memang harus berpisah
Aku akan tetap setia
Bila memang ini ujungnya
Kau kan tetap ada di dalam jiwa

I was never in a romantic relationship with anyone but there were a few guys in my life that really helped me understand love, romance and relationship in life. So even though nothing worked out between us, I'm still so grateful that they were in my life for so many reasons and they will forever be ingrained in my memory, for every single one of them had brought a piece of lesson with them. They helped shape the late-20s me and I am grateful for that. This one is for you G & D, no matter what our endings  will be in future.