WHY AM I THE LUCKIEST GIRL ON EARTH?

Everyone goes through tough patches in life.
Everyone experiences road bumps and low periods in life.

But some people have to go through those period themselves.
But I have some people to go through these times with me.

I'm not perfect and I have issues, especially with myself.
Most of the time, people think I am angry with them.
But they don't know that at the end of everyday, I am most pissed with myself for not being able to be as carefree and happy as I used to be.
I am tired that I am so limited, confined and controlled by stress, and that I am not able to deal with it.
All because what's at stake is not me - but other's reputation.

If last time I can screw grades, now I can't really screw projects - so, you do get the picture, don't you?
And if last time a careless mistake could magically turn to be the 'joke of the day' among friends, now really, it would be a kick in the you-know-where by black tie corporate people.

Ahhh ... life.
I wish I could put a stop to it, like how I just put a full stop to the word life in the above sentence.

Looking back, and reading my previous blog posts, I really was on a roller coaster ride of emotion since graduation. I never was normal. I always find things to be upset about.

Today, I prayed hard for strength to all the Gods I know.
Heck, I shall even pray to the Demigods.
Today, I felt like really giving up on life. Not kill myself, but, just put a halt to life in some ways.
And I prayed.
Because...it was too hard to believe in myself. Stress has been overwhelming. And this is not even a major project. I've done much more in less time.

But I know, I have to go through this life, unless God puts an end - then I am over.

So I choose to remember one thing - that I am very blessed.
God has always been good to me; no matter what, he always help me by giving me support in various ways.

My friends for example.
I always have great people around me. People who are willing to do whatever it takes to help me and give me moral support.

Friends from different backgrounds, at different occasions will find a way to cheer me up, in the most unexpected circumstances.

I thank all of them - really, to all those friends who have never failed to stand by me.
I apologise to those whom I have not been there for, whom I have taken for granted and whom I have misunderstood. I truly understand now, the meaning of true friends, because you were always there all along.

I even get good clients for God sake! Clients who take the time to guide me, and give me constructive criticism. You have helped me become a better worker and gave me a reason to fight and do better. Thank you!

And I've always have great Bosses - part-time or full-time. Others get a**holes as bosses but I don't. I never. In fact, as far as I remember, all my bosses are so awesome that I will feel bad if I do something wrong. And most of my bosses let me "scold" them. But seriously, I don't scold them for no reason - but let's just say that most of my bosses actually understand the stress that I go through and they do not mind me looking like a Rottweiler at work sometimes. That I appreciate because I have not been able to control my facial expression yet.

And of course supportive family members who are just there.
After a long hard day at work, I can go home to a hot bath and my mum's hot cooking.
Beats going back to an empty room and crying alone huh? Today, when I saw my dinner, I just feel a great sense of gratitude rush all over me. I just don't know why.

So sometimes, I really feel that I am not good enough for these people.
Sometimes, I don't feel like I deserve any of this in fact.
But I am very grateful to have all of this.

I told my mum that I am not happy today. Not because of anyone, but because of myself.
Because I feel like I'm incapable, and I've lost the trust of many.

And maybe I was overprotected.
Perhaps it is time to fly away. And I've made up my mind to do so. But I still have things to learn as I am not a full Butterfly yet. More like a moth who is trying to be a Butterfly.

Although I have friends who have encouraged me to explore the world, my dad and a few friends once said that I always run away from my problems and difficulties.

It is true. So now, I won't.
I'm proud that I did push through, miraculously, but now it's a new challenge.

But I told my mum, God has always been great to me.
Because, he always gives me a road that seemed rocky at first, but then it always is the right road. It always leads me to such great experiences and to great people.

I told her what a wise friend once told me when I asked her about a major life decision to change, she said "Tammy, it doesn't matter."
Whichever road you take, there will not be a wrong road because you learn along that road.
You might have to take a few different roads before you reach your destination, but no road is wrong.

She is so right. There are no roads that I've taken so far that I regretted taking.

Even though I am facing a hard time now, I did not regret the decision I make (oh well, maybe a slight regret, but well, this is not exactly hell that I am going through. I am learning to overcome my biggest weakness).

And yes, I believe everything will be okay at the end.

So I prayed and begged for myself to go through this period of insecurity and uncertainties, so that one day, I can tell other girls my age that it is normal to feel the way they do.

Because deep down, we are all lucky in ways that we just don't remember sometimes.

Love
TammyC