THIS IS FOR 2013

Supposed to blog ages ago (well more like a few days) about my New Year resolutions but I was bed ridden because of flu. Seriously what a way to kick start 2013. The only positive thing was that I got to spend 10 minutes of firework time with my parents this year. I woke up at 12am for medicine.

Oh well, I am happy because this means that all the bad shall fade away together with the terrible 2012.

2012 was for me (and I believe a lot of my other friends), a year that sucked big time. 25 is not a great age to be at. Uncertainties and a lot of other crap mixed with emotions and hormones...ya, it sucked being a girl and I bet it ain't too rosy being a dude too.

I didn't believe it until I went through it but it is crappy facing quarter life crisis. I apologise to those people I called EMO previously because now I can say, I am actually one of them.

The great thing about people being EMO at a young age is that they grow up and mature faster. They feel the stress and uncertainty earlier in life, which I believe will help them move on and set themselves on the right path faster.

For a slow kid like me, I always mature slower than the rest and so, I am struggling to get through this phase of life. The worst thing is, there are no pills for this syndrome.

Low self-esteem, lack of confidence, uncertainties all lead to negativity and depression. People only see your smiles, but they don't see what lies underneath. The lame jokes you make, the so-called confident acts are just a sheet covering what you really feel inside. At one point, I really didn't know how to move on and survive in life. I even went to a Fortune Teller (more like a Life Line teller, what do you call those?).

Well, to be frank, I am glad I did because one thing that lady taught me is that I need to change my perception in life. Which I believe is true. Else I will dwell only on negativity and always feel low. After listening to her, I started forcing myself to always see things differently and on the bright side, despite the difficulties. Trust me, when all you think about is the negative, it is super hard to see the light. But I knew 2012 was a bad year and I just need to hang in there.

She did not ask me to wear weird crystals or do crazy stuff like drink 5 talisman a day, that fortune teller lady - no; she just as me to live a balanced life, exercise, eat healthy, do charity and help others, take things easy - don't work too hard hahahaha. All these are actually good advice that one should reasonably follow. The weirdest she probably did ask me to buy myself more flowers as it will make me more feminine (YES APPARENTLY I AM NOT FEMININE ENOUGH, GO FIGURE)

Most importantly she told me that nothing in life is fixated and things will always be changing - so is our fate. We can't be down forever. She changed me a lot I think. I started to take things easy and really try out on various stuff. I took things easy and try not to be as EGOIST, as per her advice. I have a long way to go still, but 2012 helped me slowly change. Of course, I am not fully there yet, but I am really trying to learn to be more nonchalant and compassionate.

But one thing that I can't do is forget or perhaps, even forgive - I think I still hold grudges and that is bad. That takes a lot, a lot of effort and seriously, it is hard.

What I've Learned

I can't take hypocrisy and till today, I can't stand people who are big time hypocrites. But I am trying hard to accept that perhaps hypocrisy is part and partial of life and that one has to be hypocrital in diferrent situations. For me, sometimes I feel like a hypocrite and I really despise myself for that. That is the web of thoughts that I can release myself from and it really can drive me insane. Perhaps accepting that would be my next phase of challenge in 2013.

2012 made me realised that the people around you changes you. The people around you will influenced you. If you want to fit in, you need to change. Else, you leave and you find a group that suits you.

Life is about making adjustments - if you can't you go. If it's worth the change, you change. You have to be a human chameleon. If you think differently from the majority, they will make fun of you, and think that you are odd. Ironic isn't it, you strive so hard to be different but you want to fit in at the same time. Perhaps life is about that - making the perfect fit in a square when you are a circle.

Everyone has their own emotions and feelings and you just need to figure out how to make sure everyone is pleased, well, unless of course, you don't care - but I am born to care and so, it burdens me.

Previously, I have a very set line of what is right and what I define as wrong. For example, in a relationship, if you cheat, you are wrong. I ask the fortune teller lady, "Am I an evil person? (for being judgmental).

She told me, "No, the world has changed. People are changing and mentality have changed. So you just need to accept and fit in. What you think could be right at a point in time, but now, it might not be right anymore.

"Seriously, why should that even matter anymore? 

My perception on relationship - don't expect anything and seriously, if it doesn't happen, F it. I think it's even better because the anger and betrayal felt from it is worse than any feeling. In fact, I don't need to be in a relationship to feel that. Even friendship can make you feel that. But I guess that's why I am not worthy of love - because I do not want to accept the pain and the challenges that come with it. Hence, I do not deserve the joy of being in one. I can sacrifice for friends, but the weirdest thing is, I still can't feel that I would do the same for love. Perhaps I haven't met him yet. If I do, I only hope it is worth it.

I am a very rational person when it comes to relationship and love. It is true. I am stupid, naive and idealistic in almost every other thing but not relationship. That's why I am not in one (or maybe perhaps no one wants to be in one with me or maybe I pity those who would end up with me). Hahahaha.

But seeing people around me break up isn't helping me at all in having faith in relationships. This year, many of my friends broke up and it is disheartening. To be frank, I'm not even in one and I'm actually quite fed-up. I know people around me who fools around with relationships - and sickening as it is, they are my good friends. So tell me, how to define what's right and what's not?

Problem is, I feel that people do not care about loyalty anymore. I might also come to a point where I give up in seeking true love. Relationships can be flings. No commitments because you are not married. Marriage is not a promise anymore. It's something you do when the girl gets knocked up. Even then, you always have a divorce option.

Here's a funny story. 

I have a friend who is a videographer for weddings, and I asked him, "So during months that are not auspicious for weddings, won't you have less business?"

He told me, "At this time and age, people do not care about auspicious months anymore. Once they are knocked up, any month will do."

Please don't get me wrong, I have no problem with pregnancy before marriage if you really love your partner. I just don't get those who fool around with this sort of thing. Imagine your child who is brought up in a broken family. Generations are built upon irresponsibility.

But then again, who says that I am right?

2012 makes me learn that I seriously do not need to care about any of these. Nada. How people live their life, none of my business. They have their own thinking and reasons for doing the things they do and really I am in no position to judge them. No one is perfect and everyone has their own problems. As long as they are nice to me, I'll be nice to them. Period. Now I am very open. I try not to take sides and I accept everything. I am happier that way. For me, I will live my own way - the way that makes me happy. For 2013, I will continue to live life a day at a time and hopefully, I'll find my direction.

Looking back, I did fulfilled a few of my resolutions for 2012 - mainly in traveling muahaha.

Highlights 2012

- Crazy Big Bang night

- Went to chase Big Bang at their Hotel and made a few new friends

- Fell head over heels over Taeyang hahaha

- Made some new friends - Alexis and gang

- Became bridesmaid

- Experienced what it's like to be drunk

- Went to Bangkok, Phuket and Bali

- Realised who are real friends and who I shouldn't really trust

- Experienced uncertainties

- Discovered Running Man

For 2013, well, let's just say I want to be happier and more active. I'll keep it simple. I'll just do all things that make me happy - including doing nothing! Haha. I shall continue to improve myself and learn hard to see things from various perspective and be more open to differences.I shall work hard and play hard!

This is for a blissful and fruitful 2013!!!!

Hopefully I grow a few inches tall and not a few inches wide.