STILL NOT TOO LATE FOR NONSENSE

Another series of randomness at 1.45am on a, well, weekday night.

Should be sleeping but sleeping early is overrated.

Finding Excuses

Lately, I think I've been finding a lot of excuses for things. Most of the time, I blame myself and then, I'd try to think that maybe it is not my fault. But when I think like that, I feel like I am finding excuses. It is suffering sometimes. Constantly, I think, how would I get things done right? 

I can't work for people I don't respect

I think when things go wrong, I somehow managed to find my way of looking at things. Even if I looked at it from another angle, I still fail to believe in that, unless I am convinced by someone whom I truly admire or respect. It was getting worst that I doubt myself, because I feel like I could be the problem. I am the problem really. It seems like I can never work under anyone because sometimes, when they start saying things, I feel I automatically go into defence mode with the way I believe. And I feel so terrible about myself, for being such a headstrong, stubborn person. It's not that I don't listen to others, but I always have my own way of seeing things and it is hard to convince me to look at another standpoint. I think so far, only my dad and another one of my new mentor has the ability to do so.

I was so down that I confided in my sister - surprise, surprise. We always butt head because we are so different but this time, she actually made me feel better. She told me, that our problem is, we cannot work for people who do not respect. And because we are who we are, it is hard for others to be respectable to us. We have our "standards". Which sucks. 

I guess I am not the best person in the world, and that's why I always look up to people whom I perceived as great leaders. My dad is wise and a very great leader (at least in my mind), that I feel that in many ways, I will always be looking for someone who can top that. He is not perfect of course, he has his "thing" which we don't get, but he definitely has some good leadership qualities that I admire.

People are selfish

I realised how selfish people are recently when a person I, well, sort of look up to, morphed into a person I never envisioned will be like. I am sorry but I disregarded the many comments about that person but I just realised, that it is getting to me the way that person is. There were so much more things that I have closed my eyes to really, but the more I see and found out about this person, the more distorted the image of the person is. 

But although I bore with it because I felt responsible, I slowly realised how selfish this person is after a talk. The person not only does not stand by me the way I stood by during the hard times that person faced, but that person indirectly shoved me down further into a pit just so that person feels better. I find it very selfish. I told that person once that I don't trust fully and yes, that person too has betrayed my trust in a way. I am just very disappointed at how selfish people can be. All they care about is themselves - their image, how good they look in front of the bosses,  their profits etc. Really sickening. Maybe I am too like this... just the degree of selfishness, I hope varies.

Filtering Friends

I am a person who prioritise friendships...to me, friends mean the world.

But I think, I really need to slowly learn who are the real people who care, and who are just there when I am on top of the world. 

Recently, I am going through one of my lowest period. A lot of failures, mistakes - just a lot of crap. I think a few people noticed. But, the way they handled my situation tells me a lot about this people.

When I told him that I have been slacking in my job, one of my clients, yes, client, felt for me. He told me that I am burnt out because of the job. He knows what I am going through. He doesn't blame me for it at all. He gave me advices - useful ones, that in a way, kept me up, propelled me further.

On the other hand, people whom I thought were close to me, people who I wish would support me, well, has a way of making me feel guilty, every single minute of my life. They can say they don't blame me, judge me, or doubt me, but really, from the way they behave, I know. They cannot relate to me and they won't. They don't understand because they are blinded by their own beliefs - they own perceived explanation. 

Instead of helping me up, they don't know that they are burying me alive.

I don't blame them. I only blame myself for letting them make me feel this way. The only way out is to change my thinking and be inspired to get things right again.

But boy, do I know these people now. And I know who will always be there for me. 

When People Get Too Close

I am scared most of the time, when a person, especially a guy becomes too close. I think it gets weird in a way because I will slowly want to slip away. I like the distance because I don't want them to get a wrong message. And I don't want to send the wrong message. Sometimes, I can be overly close to a girl but can't do the same with the guy. It's just different.

Problem is, I don't know if I would do the same to a guy I actually love. Emotional intimacy with dudes sometimes creeps the hell out of me.

Showing Appreciation

Some people feel that appreciation can be "bought", I think appreciation is through empathy and communication.

The girls you date sometimes tells people about you

Okay, let's explore the "romantic" side of me, if I still have one.

Guys, sadly the kind of girl you date sometimes speaks volume about you. Correction, maybe more specifically, the way you talk about the girl you date, speaks volume about you.

I have heard so many guys telling their guy friends that their girl is hot. I don't know what others think but here's what I think...what is the point you are trying to prove? That you have a "trophy"?

I really apologise for this but I am judgemental that way. Guys set impressions on me when I see their girlfriends. Say if you date those pretty girls with an attitude, my first impression of you would be that you only go for beauties and you really don't care about personality. Unless of course you have proven that you are a really nice person, then I'd think, you are just damn patient. Respect!

See I have a guy friend who told me this - I once dated this hot girl *shows me the photo*. He told me she cannot use the public toilet. Once, he had to stop eating and drive her back home to use the toilet. I asked why is he with her, he said because she is beautiful. *slaps head*

I have another guy friend who asked me to help him find a girl who will accepts him for who he is. So I went through my list of friends, whom I believe have a nice heart and really, good girlfriend material.... then he said to me, must be pretty also la. Seriously, he wasn't joking. I told him you expect people to accept you for who you are and you have "criteria".

By the way, this applies to girls too. Not being sexist. Some girls are also like that. 

So I don't know why, but people have a weird thinking about relationship. They don't get into one, to stay in one. They fool around first and then settle. When they fool around, they collect their trophies, and years later, when they are depressed, perhaps they will talk about how they once have this hot thing.

For me, I am idealistic. I believe in finding the person that you know fits in your life, through the good and the bad. Today, I saw a quote, and I really liked it: Certain things catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture your heart. You can apply it to anything, even love.

Leaders

- They motivate without bringing others down

- They listen and empathise 

- They fix the problem, not the blame

- They do the dirty work

- They give credits

- They step in when needed

- They defend the team

- They work together with the team 

- They empower

- They know when to trust and when to help out

p/s: I am going to Singapore. I usually enjoy travels, but these few days, I am not in the mood. And I can't even say that, because people think that I am ungrateful. See, I have no rights to express my feelings because no one will understand anyway. But still, I am grateful for the opportunities. Just that, I feel so left out and that I don't belong anywhere, anymore. But there is no one I can tell...