THE BATTLE

Don't ask me why, I don't know why I feel the way I am feeling.

I just know I have to go.

I have reasons I need to go.

My brain and my heart tells me so.

But still...

There's one part of me that doesn't allow me to let go.

Maybe those are emotions.

I hate emotions. If I were emotionless, that'd be great. 

I love the people I have around me now. I love them too much.

But I guess that is how one feel - to love and hate something at the same time. All you beg for is a change, but the last thing you want is a change.

I tried to hold on to what makes me the happiest - but I have come to realised that things will never be the same anymore. It just can't go back.

A lot of things were fated and sometimes, I only have myself to blame.

I was the one who allowed it to happen...I paved the way for my own exit. Thinking back...it is true.

I am not angry at anyone - just myself for letting it happen. At myself, for not being able to force myself to try harder to accept and rectify my weaknesses....for letting myself succumb to the weakness.

I did what I do best - run.

Dad said that lessons not learned will come back to haunt you.

I know.

But I shall let it come another time. And hopefully, I'm more open then. Hopefully, I'm wiser then....and hopefully, I'd have it all figured out - well, at least, better than now.

I will always remember being 24. 

Because it was the toughest period of my life.

Seriously...not because of anything, but because, my biggest enemy is myself.

And because I'm fighting emotions - and not something physical or something tangible. 

I am fighting my own demons, and yes, those are the hardest battle because it is within you. I don't know how many out there are fighting the same battle - but if they are I hope they know that we are all fighting it.

I am glad that I am a lucky girl.

Because, despite the fight, I have supportive people around me that keeps me sane (at least, for now).

And I always believe (at least I try at the end of everyday) that the fight will be over soon and I will always find my way to the intended path. 

An experienced friend say - no matter what choice you make, it is going to be okay. Wherever you go, you'll end up ok. Because mistakes made are part of the intended journey. 

Very touched. I forget sometimes. And I am glad there are people around me to keep ringing the bell.

One wrong wire and I am worried that I will snap.

Because to be honest, I have no control of my emotions anymore. A tear can just roll down my cheeks before I can put a halt to the right nerve to say "Don't You Even Think About It!".

That said, controlling emotions is vital and I shall try my best to gradually learn. Maybe I'll stick Sheldon's face in front of mine everyday?

Am I weaker?

Yes and no. I wish I could cry less.

But I've come to learn that crying is not a sign of weakness, more a release.

Because after the tears, I feel the sunshine again. It pains me to know that the sunshine really have to come after the rain.

It is okay.

If 25 is not my year. There is always 26.

If 26 is not my year. There'll always be an end to my life.

It's just life right? 

Today I cried because I can't let go of my 'baby'.

To think that I almost gave the baby up 2 years ago - thinking of quitting.

But I don't know why...

I took it on, and just went with the flow. 

It is one of the happiest thing that happened to me...besides the other kids that I've taken care of, that project was my baby. And the thought of having to let it go and give it to someone else while I monitor it.

I want to be a full-time guardian, maybe the only guardian.

And I don't think anyone can understand that, at that point.

Because of the decision that I've made, it's like I've let go of so many things just so I can move on.

And I can't even keep a single thing for myself...

Maybe I shouldn't fight so hard for it. If it is not meant to be mine.

But I am grateful for the lessons that were provided to me. It was the best times of my life.

Love,

TammyC